Tuesday, 6 December 2011

It was the best of times & the worst of times...

...Christmas reminds me a bit of friday the 13th, odd I know but bare with me while I explain.
On friday the 13th, if we spill something its "because its friday the 13th", its a day where we focus more on the bad things that normally we'd let slide with barely a thought. At Christmas we can dwell on things that have gone wrong, wring our hands & exclaim "all is ruined" when really no-ones really noticed, or laughed it off.

My favourite Christmas was Kai's first one, it was also the first one I'd done at home for my kids & Ryan. It was so relaxed, Ry & Kai were still asleep so Zack and I made Christmas morning muffins (nigellas recipe) & I popped the turkey into cook, by the time they were cooked everyone was up. We opened our presents, each receiving things we wanted - I got my infamous long leather coat. As I prepared dinner the kids played with their toys, all of us still in our PJs, except Kai who was in an elf costume.

The christmas dinner wasnt quite upto scratch, it was nice but not quite Christmas. It was something for me to work on & practice for the upcoming years.
The cats sat outside the closed kitchen door, wanting the left overs.

While Kai & Ryan had a nap I watched tv & Zack played on a new game.
We had visitors towards evening, exchanged gifts & had fun
It was a peaceful, easy day in contrast to our usual Christmasses of getting ready & rushing to a relatives house to have dinner there & coming back late.

My worst memory of Christmas is the one I cant remember, its not so much because it was a bad Christmas, its just I wish I could remember the last Christmas with my Dad.
I can remember the build up to Christmas, I was almost full term with Zack due on Christmas eve. Dad let me have some of his Christmas bonus, originally it was going to be for baby stuff but as that was all bought he said I could use it to buy presents for the family.
I know he was rather moody at the time but being preoccupied & rather used to Dad being a bit moody due to tiredness (he would work long days) I paid little attention to it.
I can search & search my mind for memories of that day but there are non, maybe due to it being less important at the time than the following events.

My local midwives werent working on certain dates over christmas & new year so on the thursday (new years eve) we saw the dr who was quite amused to be giving me a check up which the midwives would normally do. He said if the baby wasnt out by Monday I'd be sent to hospital to be induced, obviously Zack didnt like that idea as he was born on the sunday.
3 weeks later my dad unexpectedly died.... I'm just glad I have so many other memories of him, maybe in a way I'm blessed not to remember that last Christmas, because now I cant pin point that single memory, ripping it apart in my mind, focusing on individual parts & have it almost tainted by the thought that our last Christmas together wasnt the  perfect Christmas


  1. focus on the good memories, remember the happy. I am glad that the less than perfect Christmas hasn't tainted your celebrations of Yule xxx

  2. You're right - we can pressure ourselves to make Christmas "perfect" and lose sight of what is really important.

    Love the photos from your first Christmas all together at home - the elf costume is cool!

    My dad died unexpectedly too, a month or so after my son's 3rd birthday. Dad came up for the birthday celebrations and it was fun. He also came over to see us about 2 weeks before he died - but, d'you know, I was so busy, very tired and my memory was poor. I hadn't written down that he was coming. We were in the middle of a shopping trip... I suddenly remembered! We rushed home, but there was just a huge teddy on the doorstep and a note, saying he was sorry, he'd waited for us, but had to go - he was taking my nieces to a concert and obviously needed to be there at a certain time.
    That was my last chance to see him. And I missed it. Of course, I didn't know that at the time. And of course I was on the phone, full of apologies - and he was forgiving and understanding...
    But it's not so good to have "sorry" memories of a last day together or of chances missed.

    It's better that you remember the great times and the ordinary ones - and that Christmas, which has become rather a blur, was an "ordinary" time in some ways, and a very un-ordinary one in others. Your dad took a back seat, because the baby was on the way. That's just how it was - if he'd still been around, it wouldn't really matter that you can't remember that Christmas...

    So, remember the times that were good, remember your dad and the stuff about him that makes you happy. That's what really matters, K. XX

  3. What a great picture of that big round tummy!☺

    My mother died soon after Christmas 10 years ago now and both my sister and I got pregnant in that same year. It's almost as though it was 'time for the new generation'. It wasn't a conscious decision and didn't make it any easier but it made me realise that that is what life is, a constant regeneration.

    I know its difficult but try not to dwell on the bad memories of christmas as it will spoil the happy times you could be having. {Hugs}


  4. In total agreement re Christmas - why do us women always do this to ourselves?
    Remember the good times with your Dad .
    Hugs xx

  5. Bereavement does that - wipes away whole months of memories! I'm sure your last Christmas with your Dad was as "perfect" as it could have been - what's "perfect" anyway? You were home, the baby was coming, food was cooked and eaten, drinks were poured and toasts made, a few gifts were exchanged and a lot of TV was watched - "perfectly" fine!

    Love the photo of you & your bump :-)

  6. Lovely honest journaling, my dear xx



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...